How to Flirt Without Being Creepy

by John P Morgan on 18 November 2010

I flirt with everyone.

Younger women, older women, single women, married women, my friend’s girlfriends and wives, gay guys and even straight guys if they’re having a very feminine moment.

In a sense, I flirt with feminine energy wherever I meet it.

However, just because I’m flirting doesn’t mean that I intend or even desire to pursue sex with the person.

One might see this as “sending mixed messages” and at the same time, one might see that flirting is a very natural transfer of sexual energy which can exist as a momentary spark, a strong and continuous current or anything in between.

The Evolution of Flirting

It’s fun to flirt. Flirting is play. It’s how we learn to interact both socially and sexually. Social sexual interaction is one of the most critical skills in our genetic success.

It is in our nature to play with sexual energy. In fact, many evolutionary psychologists believe flirting is the foundation to modern society. They theorize that our brains have basically evolved as peacock feathers – advanced tools to allow us to court members of the opposite sex – and thus our advanced intelligence and all of civilization is simply a by-product of our giant flirting machine we call a brain.

Seems crazy, I know, but it is certainly possible!

 

In modern society our new ideals sometimes conflict with our natural animal instincts.

Desire has evolved.

Most enlightened women of today still want to feel the charge of their natural sexuality, but they want it in a more balanced and fulfilling way than their sisters of 100,000 years ago.

When a woman feels a guy is being creepy, it is not what he’s doing that creeps her out – it is the intention behind his actions.

Creation of Intimacy vs. Acquisition of Sex

If you flirt with a woman purely because you want to acquire something from her, because you want to get sex from her, then you are flirting with her in a selfish way.

Selfish flirting is creepy.

However, if you are flirting with a woman because you want to create an intimacy between you and her, because you want to give her the pleasure of sexual arousal, then you are flirting with her in a generous way.

Generous flirting is not creepy.

The difference is subtle, but very important.

For example, a guy who flirts with a woman because he “wants to f#%k her” is flirting with her in a way that is very acquisition based. He wants to acquire her as an object of satisfaction – a medium for his sexual release.

At the same time, a guy who flirts with a woman because he “wants to be intimate with her” is flirting with her in a way that is creation based. Yes, he wants to receive pleasure from her, but he desires to do so by giving pleasure to her.

This is not to suggest that there are not circumstances in which a woman (or a man) may enjoy being sexually taken or acquired. Such a passive role can certainly be erotic and fulfilling. However, such cases typically exist in situations where the people involved have already developed a level of comfort and understanding and they trust that the give and take will be balanced in the wider context of their intimate relationship.

Differentiating Between Generosity & Selfishness

I teach my private coaching clients to flirt generously by first having them think about how to do generous things for people in general.

If you had a metaphorical gift box and you could put inside of it all of the nice things you could say or do for people that would make them feel good – What would you put in it?

Here are some simple ideas:

  • Compliment them.
  • Carry their bag up the stairs for them.
  • Hold a door for them.
  • Smile.
  • Say something funny to lighten the mood.
  • Ask them how they’re doing.
  • Offer them something.

(For more on living a generous life, check out my friend Mike’s book Please Take One)

Can you imagine doing these things simply because you want to make someone feel good?

YES?

OK, good. Now let’s go a little deeper…

On a conscious level, you would be doing these nice things because it would make the other person feel good.

However, on a subconscious level, you would be doing these nice things because making the other person feel good makes you feel good.

One could argue that this is actually the REAL reason you are doing the nice things – because it makes YOU feel good – but I’d argue otherwise.

Let me start with an example….

Suppose you attempted to make someone feel good by doing something nice and it didn’t work out. They didn’t respond at all to your gesture.

If you experienced disappointment through a sense of loss, then you were attached to the ultimate outcome of making yourself feel good.

However, if you did NOT experience such disappointment through a sense of loss (maybe just surprise or at worst disappointment for them), then you were more focused on giving to the person.

And this is the key.

To be truly generous, making people feel good must be more important to you than what you get as a result.

Once my clients get this, once they can feel this, then we move into how it applies to flirting.

How to Flirt Generously

If flirtation is the exchange of sexual energy, the polarization of sexual charge, then in a sense it is also about making someone feel something.

If you are flirting with a woman, then on some level it is about getting her to feel the pleasure of sexual arousal.

Remember, as I mentioned earlier, the level of this arousal can be so harmlessly small that it is acceptable to do in all sorts of situations and with all sorts of women. Flirtation, in its lightest form, is simply a dance of sexual energy between the masculine and the feminine.

Now for the link to generosity, I have a question for you:

Is your primary reason for flirting with her because you want to give her the pleasure of feminine arousal – or because you want to f#%k her?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to f#%k women. You should and your flirtation can be inspired by a desire for this.

I’m simply saying again what I said earlier: You are better off flirting to CREATE intimacy than flirting to ACQUIRE sex.

To flirt without being creepy, turning women on for their own pleasure must become more important to you than what you might get as a result.

Helping my private coaching clients to make this switch is one of my favourite things to do, because being free to flirt and turn women on without the fear of being seen as creepy is one of the most liberating and rewarding experiences you can have.

Facebook comments:

{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Shane 7 October 2013 at 11:02 am

Flirting Tip: It is better to ask for a girl’s Facebook than it is to ask for her number. First of all, it differentiates you from all other guys who go for the number. Second of all, she can check you out and see you have a social life and are not a serial murderer. But most importantly of all, if she is not interested in you she will unfriend you, instead of you wasting time crafting and sending a text message only for her to not respond or reveal she gave you a fake.

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2 Bryan 15 September 2013 at 4:46 pm

You are amazing. You have a steady mind and you have a brave heart. That combination is hard to find in a teacher. Your advice is excellent and I can see it comes from a PURE place – What purity is, is different for different people but I can say – from my own life experience so far – it matches with what I believe purity is. And what is pure, is focused, is effective and does the most good. Please keep going strong with all of this. The inner mind power struggle is tough no matter what we may arm ourselves with in this day and age – from the greatest of spiritual texts to the cheapest advice from acquaintances we just met. I really want to learn more and only wish I could have a private session with you to root out what you saw as truly holding me back from that open life. I have been an extreme wild man in the past and attracting many but that didnt soothe my soul, I have also been the ugly loser and that didnt do well either. As students, I think we all want to hear the truth be it soft OR hard – the whole truth and nothing but the truth – and you sir do a fine job at this. Many want to hear a big romance of a story and get swept up in their fanciful hearts desires or their technical minds complicated plans. I do this regularly – but your writing has a balance that is revolutionary and I use that term honestly sir. That balance is a breath of fresh air and I thank you for it. Bryan from Trinidad.

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3 dating pa* nettet 22 April 2013 at 1:41 am

Akkurat det vet vel de fleste oss at ikke stemmer – det er i det store havet mellom de ytterpunktene at nytelsene finnes.

Det er kun den seksuelle opplevelsen som teller og
står i fokus. Seksuelt er modne kvinner og unge menn en god kombinasjon.

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4 ray 26 November 2010 at 4:48 am

My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!

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5 T Bishop 21 November 2010 at 3:25 am

“just because I’m flirting doesn’t mean that I intend or even desire to pursue sex with the person” – I’m curious. So would you flirt as you suggest if
1. you had your girlfriend or boyfriend by your side?
2. you had a girlfriend or boyfriend?

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6 John P Morgan 21 November 2010 at 11:23 pm

I think it depends on how your partner feels about it. I’ve had girlfriends who found light flirtation fun and others who hated it. One thing I’ve learned about relationships is that there is no objective right or wrong way…what matters is simply what matters to each person. I think it’s important to figure out the hierarchy of your values and to live true to them as best as possible.

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7 T Bishop 22 November 2010 at 7:34 am

Thank you. Communicating with your partner is usually a good idea.

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8 Daniel 20 November 2010 at 11:00 pm

“One might also see that such a play of sexual polarity is, quite literally, the same force that makes the world go around.”

Sorry, you lost me there. Could you explain? Interesting ideas in the rest, thanks.

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9 John P Morgan 21 November 2010 at 12:12 am

Thanks Daniel. That was poorly written. Logic sacrificed for attempted literary rhythm! I intended to point out that sexual attraction works like the physical forces. In hindsight I think the previous paragraph did the idea justice. My mistake!

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10 Daniel 21 November 2010 at 1:52 pm

No need to apologise, that’s the beauty of writing – some stuff works, some stuff doesn’t, and most of the time no one is quite sure which bits are which. The important thing is to get the ideas out there!

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11 John P Morgan 21 November 2010 at 11:24 pm

Cheers!

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12 Wendy 19 November 2010 at 4:26 pm

Here are two situations where I find the intended flirt “creepy”:
1) flirtations from someone you do not find attractive (not necessarily a physical attraction)
2) flirtations that seems like a routine someone practices on anyone and everyone (i.e., rehearsed pick-up lines can fall into this category, another example can be flirtations that goes awry in the middle of one’s “routine”)

In both cases, the person doing the flirting is neglecting the individuality of the person s/he is flirting with. While some compliments work on most, to carry on a prolong flirtation (or knowing when to quit) requires vigilant acquisition and adaptation of visual and verbal cues from the person you’re flirting with. Please remember that it takes at least two to flirt.
Is s/he distancing herself from you?
-foot pointing/body leaning away
-talking more with someone else
-turning her/his back on you
-avoiding eye contact
-running away to the bathroom/take a phone call

Is s/he non-reciprocal to your conversational advances?
-responding to your questions with brief answers
-talking only about him/herself or other people without inquiring about you in return (can be a tale-tell sign of a selfish lover)

If any of these take place (especially more than once in one sitting), you might want to change the direction/speed of your flirtation or abandon target all together.
If all’s well and you two are having a great give and take, by all means, close the deal!!
Guys, there is such a thing as female “blue balls!!” Contrary to popular belief, women can be down for a good time as well.
So, please don’t leave us hanging after we’ve invested so much time and energy talking with you when we could have been talking with someone else.
If you do that, we’re likely to think:
1) You lack self-confidence
2) You are a tease
3) You are on an ego trip (why? see number 1)
4) You have a significant other (complicated relationship, blah, blah)
5) You are inexperienced/crap in bed
6) You live with mommy
7) You ARE a creep
etc, etc….(imagination can be a terrible thing :)

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13 John P Morgan 20 November 2010 at 9:01 am

Thanks Wendy! Good stuff. I do teach some more technical flirting stuff like this in my workshops, though I think the most important thing is the reason the guy is flirting. I’ve found that if the desire to flirt starts in the right place, then technical bits tend to work themselves out. :-)

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14 Wendy 25 November 2010 at 6:54 pm

John,

I’m not sure if there is a single “right place” from which one starts to flirt. It is hard to force-fit to one intention. People will do what they will whether or not we think it’s appropriate. And if they do that with the right person, it might just work out.

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15 John P Morgan 26 November 2010 at 7:43 pm

The ‘right place’ I suggest isn’t really about values or ethics; it’s about what is functional. In a sense it only applies when flirting with a woman who doesn’t want to be acquired. There are certainly women who do and thus exceptions to the idea!

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16 Wendy 1 December 2010 at 3:56 am

Surely what is functional is what works for the party with whom you are flirting. So, in the case where the intentions of those who are flirting do not match, if one party continues while the other rather move on to another, the one who presses on becomes creepy.
I am also not sure about the use of the term “acquisition” here. It makes the situation sound as if one is active and the other passive. Perhaps many women act passive because this is what’s expected of them from society at large. At the same time, if you look at the number of women who choose to take part in a thriving night life by donning the latest fashion, putting on makeup (and makeup is used to simulate both youth–rosy cheeks– and sexual arousal–rouged lips–to attract mates) and going to trendy bars and night clubs, then we can’t exactly be considered passive, can’t we?
While I am not saying that all women who go out at night are looking to get laid, and especially not with just anyone or everyone who approaches them, we are going out with an intention in mind and it does not always involve the search for a soul mate.
For the men out there who are only looking for a shag, there are women out there with the same goal in mind. For the men who want to find a long-term relationship, there are also those women out there. What’s important is knowing which is which and that takes more than just verbal agility, but also perceptiveness.
After all, as you said, John, women are not just here to be acquired.

17 Anon 19 November 2010 at 11:01 am

I’d be interested to know how you handle this in a social situation as flirting seems to be a very one-to-one thing which means that if you’re in a group the others can feel left out or even worse: that they’re intruding on your intimate moment (which makes them feel bad and can lead to resentment of you). If you don’t want a sexual outcome, then do you run the risk of offending others in the group? I can think of several occasions when I’ve flirted with several girls in the same group quite successfully, having fun and with us all feeling great about it, except… The guys in the group drifted off and while its fun to be in a flirtatious bubble surrounded by female energy and attention, if there’s no intent to close, then do you risk damaging your longer term social status in the group?

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18 John P Morgan 20 November 2010 at 9:16 am

It’s only an interruption if there is an outcome being worked towards. As I attempted to make clear in this article (and as Parkey summarised well in his comment below), NOT having an outcome is the difference that makes the difference. If guys are offended by my being flirtatious without a “sexual outcome”, then we have different worldviews and my only empathy for them is through my consideration that they are less fortunate in not understanding this simple truth: Life is better lived than worked. Social status among such men, for me, is irrelevant.

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19 Parkey 19 November 2010 at 9:15 am

I find that when it works flirting is like taking a hit from a powerful drug.

If a guy can trick himself into not believing female contact is the extremely scarce and precious thing in his life that it is, and thus not get hung up on the outcome of an encounter, it is possible to just enjoy it for what it is. This is where a lot of guys have a problem I think, that they pin too much on this month’s female encounter; the outcome matters too much to them.

Like all drugs the worst thing is coming down from that flirting high afterward and not knowing if or when the next fix will happen. It feels like driving into a wall.

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20 John P Morgan 19 November 2010 at 10:13 am

Spot on Parkey!

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21 Parkey 19 November 2010 at 11:31 am

Call it a field report from the bleeding edge.

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22 John P Morgan 19 November 2010 at 12:23 pm

I hate that term. Field reports are for military strategies. Search and destroy is an acquisition frame.

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23 John P Morgan 1 December 2010 at 3:26 pm

Acquisition doesn’t necessarily imply passivity. If it sounded this way, it wasn’t my intention. A more commonly recognised frame would be ‘using’ a woman. Agreed re perceptiveness and I believe it starts from within, based on your intention. Of course there are men and women looking for all sorts of things and I support them all without judgement. Although what people are ‘looking for’ hardly ever remains static. :o)

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