I flirt with everyone.
Younger women, older women, single women, married women, my friend’s girlfriends and wives, gay guys and even straight guys if they’re having a very feminine moment.
In a sense, I flirt with feminine energy wherever I meet it.
However, just because I’m flirting doesn’t mean that I intend or even desire to pursue sex with the person.
One might see this as “sending mixed messages” and at the same time, one might see that flirting is a very natural transfer of sexual energy which can exist as a momentary spark, a strong and continuous current or anything in between.
The Evolution of Flirting
It’s fun to flirt. Flirting is play. It’s how we learn to interact both socially and sexually. Social sexual interaction is one of the most critical skills in our genetic success.
It is in our nature to play with sexual energy. In fact, many evolutionary psychologists believe flirting is the foundation to modern society. They theorize that our brains have basically evolved as peacock feathers – advanced tools to allow us to court members of the opposite sex – and thus our advanced intelligence and all of civilization is simply a by-product of our giant flirting machine we call a brain.
Seems crazy, I know, but it is certainly possible!
In modern society our new ideals sometimes conflict with our natural animal instincts.
Desire has evolved.
Most enlightened women of today still want to feel the charge of their natural sexuality, but they want it in a more balanced and fulfilling way than their sisters of 100,000 years ago.
When a woman feels a guy is being creepy, it is not what he’s doing that creeps her out – it is the intention behind his actions.
Creation of Intimacy vs. Acquisition of Sex
If you flirt with a woman purely because you want to acquire something from her, because you want to get sex from her, then you are flirting with her in a selfish way.
Selfish flirting is creepy.
However, if you are flirting with a woman because you want to create an intimacy between you and her, because you want to give her the pleasure of sexual arousal, then you are flirting with her in a generous way.
Generous flirting is not creepy.
The difference is subtle, but very important.
For example, a guy who flirts with a woman because he “wants to f#%k her” is flirting with her in a way that is very acquisition based. He wants to acquire her as an object of satisfaction – a medium for his sexual release.
At the same time, a guy who flirts with a woman because he “wants to be intimate with her” is flirting with her in a way that is creation based. Yes, he wants to receive pleasure from her, but he desires to do so by giving pleasure to her.
This is not to suggest that there are not circumstances in which a woman (or a man) may enjoy being sexually taken or acquired. Such a passive role can certainly be erotic and fulfilling. However, such cases typically exist in situations where the people involved have already developed a level of comfort and understanding and they trust that the give and take will be balanced in the wider context of their intimate relationship.
Differentiating Between Generosity & Selfishness
I teach my private coaching clients to flirt generously by first having them think about how to do generous things for people in general.
If you had a metaphorical gift box and you could put inside of it all of the nice things you could say or do for people that would make them feel good – What would you put in it?
- Compliment them.
- Carry their bag up the stairs for them.
- Hold a door for them.
- Say something funny to lighten the mood.
- Ask them how they’re doing.
- Offer them something.
(For more on living a generous life, check out my friend Mike’s book Please Take One)
Can you imagine doing these things simply because you want to make someone feel good?
OK, good. Now let’s go a little deeper…
On a conscious level, you would be doing these nice things because it would make the other person feel good.
However, on a subconscious level, you would be doing these nice things because making the other person feel good makes you feel good.
One could argue that this is actually the REAL reason you are doing the nice things – because it makes YOU feel good – but I’d argue otherwise.
Let me start with an example….
Suppose you attempted to make someone feel good by doing something nice and it didn’t work out. They didn’t respond at all to your gesture.
If you experienced disappointment through a sense of loss, then you were attached to the ultimate outcome of making yourself feel good.
However, if you did NOT experience such disappointment through a sense of loss (maybe just surprise or at worst disappointment for them), then you were more focused on giving to the person.
And this is the key.
To be truly generous, making people feel good must be more important to you than what you get as a result.
Once my clients get this, once they can feel this, then we move into how it applies to flirting.
How to Flirt Generously
If flirtation is the exchange of sexual energy, the polarization of sexual charge, then in a sense it is also about making someone feel something.
If you are flirting with a woman, then on some level it is about getting her to feel the pleasure of sexual arousal.
Remember, as I mentioned earlier, the level of this arousal can be so harmlessly small that it is acceptable to do in all sorts of situations and with all sorts of women. Flirtation, in its lightest form, is simply a dance of sexual energy between the masculine and the feminine.
Now for the link to generosity, I have a question for you:
Is your primary reason for flirting with her because you want to give her the pleasure of feminine arousal – or because you want to f#%k her?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to f#%k women. You should and your flirtation can be inspired by a desire for this.
I’m simply saying again what I said earlier: You are better off flirting to CREATE intimacy than flirting to ACQUIRE sex.
To flirt without being creepy, turning women on for their own pleasure must become more important to you than what you might get as a result.
Helping my private coaching clients to make this switch is one of my favourite things to do, because being free to flirt and turn women on without the fear of being seen as creepy is one of the most liberating and rewarding experiences you can have.