How to Attract a Woman (Using Tunnel Vision)

by John P Morgan on 16 September 2010

“Dude, it sucks hanging out with you when you’re like that.”

“What?” I say, surprised at my friend’s comment.

“You totally ignored me for the last ten minutes.”

“Oh…sorry man. I didn’t notice. Was I really talking to her for ten minutes?”

I’ve had this conversation, or one similar too it, many times.

When I’ve got the attention of a woman I’m interested in, I get a sort of tunnel vision. It’s as if the whole universe collapses and the only thing I see, hear, feel or care about is her.

This “tunnel vision” is an intensely focused attention.

Every momentary expression, every word out of her mouth and every point of physical contact, consumes me. I become enveloped with curiosity about her.

What does she love? What makes her laugh? What turns her on?

I believe many men could benefit from tapping into such tunnel vision…at least at appropriate times.

So how do you do tunnel vision?

Step 1 – Get Out of Your Head

When a man starts talking with a woman he is interested in, it is very likely is he thinking of one of these two things:

  1. His outcome – Getting her phone number, getting a date, sleeping with her…
  2. Her perception of him – Does she find me attractive? Did that sound stupid?…

If you want to get the kind of tunnel vision that is attractive to women, you will need to STOP thinking about these things.

As long as you are consumed with thoughts of seeing her naked, or even worse, worrying about what she thinks of you, then your mind is busy.

This is bad for two reasons.

First, when your mind is busy, you leave no space for attention to everything she’s saying and doing.

Inattention at the wrong time can be the death of attraction.

Second, the conscious mind can only handle so much thinking before it overloads. When it overloads, your automatic behaviours begin to fail. Your physiology becomes distant; you break rapport and so on.

“He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” – Sigmund Freud

She will notice this, make the accurate assumption that you don’t care what she’s talking about and as a result she will find you very unattractive.

In order to stop thinking of these things, you need to have something else to think about…

Step 2 – Get Curious About Her

Realize that you are interested in her and allow that to become an interest about her. About her life. About what excites her. About her fears, hopes and dreams.

As you become totally focused on her and her words, she will notice this. She will rightly sense your genuine interest and find this quality of yours to be attractive.

Use your imagination.

As she speaks, vividly imagine the stories she is telling you. Allow your mind to paint pictures and make movies of everything she says.

For example, when a woman tells me she’s just been traveling, I may immediately imagine her in some foreign city, and then another city and then another. These conflicting images create a sort of cognitive dissonance. Such dissonance begs for resolution and will surface as a question like: “Really, cool! Where did you go??”

If you simply ask questions in order to appear interested, any woman with even half a wit will sense them to be transparent and will probably find you unattractive.

However, questions coming from a desire for resolution between a number of imagined possibilities are questions resulting from a place of genuine curiosity.

This is authentic. This is attractive.

Cultivate a deep and genuine curiosity about her and you will find that you naturally develop an attractive tunnel vision for her.

Step 3 – Desire to Give Versus Get

If you’re talking with a women and your only desire to get something from her (her phone number, a date, sex) she will sense this as well.

When it comes to building attraction, desiring a woman is obviously important, however such desire is more effective as a subtle undercurrent, not the intention controlling your total focus.

The art is in finding a balance.

If during the conversation instead of only desiring to get something from her, you desire more so to give something to her, then your intention will shift.

Where intention goes, attention flows.

When I say give her something, I don’t necessarily mean buy her a gift, though it is a useful metaphor.

Imagine the birthday of someone close to you is coming up. You’re trying to think of what to get them, so when you speak with them you listen even more closely to everything they say. You are searching for something that will help you to come up with a great gift idea.

This is focused attention out of a desire to give them something.

A gift could be anything.

Maybe you want to take her somewhere she’d enjoy. Maybe you’d simply like to make her laugh, make her smile or make her feel something else. These are all very real gifts.

When you see a woman who interests you, set your desire by thinking to yourself immediately:

What can I give her?

Personally, I have a deep-seated desire to make people laugh and smile. This is my gift for people and when I speak with them I am automatically focused on it.

The more you set your desire to give to women, the more it will become part of you and the more you’ll find yourself developing a natural and attractive tunnel vision for them.

Once you start to feel yourself getting this tunnel vision, enjoy it and go deeper into it.  She will feel this and if you keep at it…she’ll start getting tunnel vision for you as well.

Just don’t forget your friends.


Have you men ever experienced this?

How about you women? On point? BS?

I would love you to share and comment!

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Parkey 17 September 2010 at 10:27 am

Great post John.

I agree that the way to be confident in any situation is to “go there” to slip how you feel about a situation into a sort of familiar mental notch where you feel positive and this then gets communicated outwardly in things like body language.

I think that when it comes to approaching women a lot of men just don’t know where to find that notch; I know I certainly didn’t. You describe the place that you like to go to very well, but I think it’s perhaps somewhere each person can only find with practice.

What do you think?


2 John P Morgan 17 September 2010 at 11:08 am

YES! As with anything, only with practice will it improve. I believe the key is in practicing the right things. My hope is that I can give people sign-posts that will point them in the right direction, so that when they practice they will find that place as well.


3 Gerald Rogers 16 September 2010 at 2:41 pm

that’s just good advice for any relationship… women especially can tell in a heartbeat if your mind is on something else. It’ll shut them down instantly.


4 John P Morgan 16 September 2010 at 4:08 pm

True Gerald. They’ve certainly got an edge on us there. Maternal thing.


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